The Super Secret Diary of Leroy Jethro Gibbs
by madame.alexandra
Summary: The trials and tribulations of perpetually petulant Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs, told in teenage girl diary form. Happy April Fool's Day!


_A/N: This should obviously be taken with like 200 grains of salt or something. It's April Fool's Day and what this is, is rampant nonsense and (hopefully) hysterical crack!fic. I let my crazy, diva!Gibbs take control and run rampant over the page. It loosely follows episodes from Seasons 1 - 5, and I think you can tell which ones in most cases. :)_

_Without further adieu: _

* * *

**The Super Secret Diary of Leroy Jethro Gibbs**

_This journal belongs to: Supervisory Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs, a.k.a badass Marine sniper, macho scary El Jefe, and coffee aficionado._

* * *

**September 30****th****, 2003**

_Dear Diary, _

Hired a Secret Service chick today. Idk, she's kind of cute. Not the same as the last woman on my team but I mean whatever _that_ didn't work out anyway. Not that I'm still thinking about it.

I don't dwell on things.

(except every single mistake I've ever made and also that horrible thing that happened in 1991 but I'm not perfect what the fuck do you want from me.)

-LJG.

* * *

**November 22****nd**** , 2003**

_Dear Diary,_

Had to drag Kate (new agent girl) on a submarine. She totally bitched me out, so I had to pretend I wanted her instead of DiNosy (LOL, that's what I call him behind his back). I think she wants to sleep with me. She spent a hell of a lot of time all _clingy_ on me when the sub was shifting around. But I mean you can't sleep with your younger female agents it doesn't like work.

Not that I'm still thinking about that.

(also, there was pumpkin ice ream on that sub, like, what the fuck?)

-LJG.

* * *

**November 30****th****, 2003**

_Dear Diary,_

Literally so sick of DiNosy thinking with his dick I can't even deal right now.

-LJG

* * *

**March 15****th****, 2004**

_Dear Diary,_

Some little bitch broke into autopsy and took my friends hostage. Not even kidding right now, like, he snuck in and then shot Gerald and terrorized Ducky and Kate and then when I went to go kill him that fucker totally shot me in the shoulder. And it hurts and there is no one to take care of me fml.

Thinking I should get married again. Fifth time is totally the charm.

-LJG

_ps. –ugh, Kate didn't even stab that guy, and she coulda stabbed him. What is that about? The last female was so much hotter I MEAN COMPETANT. Not that I'm still thinking about that._

* * *

**April 4****th****, 2004**

_Dear Diary,_

Looking for this terrorist like it's nobody's business.

-LJG

* * *

**April 10****th****, 2004**

_Dear Diary,_

Seriously where the fuck is that little shit.

-LJG

* * *

**April 14****th****, 2004**

_Dear Diary,_

Do YOU know where this bastard is?

/pastes picture of Ari Haswari/  
/draws mustache/

-LJG

* * *

**April 21****st****, 2004**

_Dear Diary,_

I accidentally slept with one of my ex-wives. Which is kind of like finding that terrorist except I HAVEN'T FOUND THAT TERRORIST YET.

Don't ask me which wife it was I get them confused it was the one with red hair.

Wait.

-LJG

* * *

**April 30****th****, 2004**

_Dear Asshole Terrorist,_

I WILL FIND YOU.

YOU FUGLY SLUT.

-LJG

* * *

**May 8****th****, 2004**

_Dear Diary,_

FML, are you kidding me? So guess fucking what. That terrorist who shot me? Ugh, apparently he's working for MOSSAD. Like. He's undercover. I'm not allowed to shoot him, even though he kidnapped Kate today. I swear to GOD, Fornell and Morrow are keeping me down. NCIS can't even handle me right now I am /this close/ to quitting this shit and becoming a goddamn pirate.

Pirates are cool, and also I have my own boat.

-LJG

* * *

**June 27****th****, 2004**

_Dear Diary,_

I miss Kelly.

-LJG

* * *

**October 19****th****, 2004**

_Dear Diary,_

Kate and DiNosy literally fight all the time I'm just like, seriously, guys, either shut up or shack up there is no in between.

(not that agents should have sex because that's against my rules because of that one time that I'm not thinking about still.)

-LJG

* * *

**February 1****st****, 2005**

_Dear Diary,_

I may have accidentally slept with a suspect.

And by may have I mean I totally hit that.

Ugh, she was blonde, though, but I can't help it there's been a scarcity of redheads lately but blondes are so weird they pretend they have more fun and IDK maybe they do but I don't because let's be honest here when you go red, you always get head.

-LJG

* * *

**March 29****th****, 2005**

_Dear Diary, _

Um, someone mailed an eyeball to a petty officer. What is this, some horror movie? God.

Had to send Kate and DiNosy to Paraguay. Tony came back and told McGee that he slept with Kate.

Lol, she got so pissed.

-LJG.

* * *

**April 18****th****, 2005**

_Dear Diary,_

MENTION SPRING BREAK OR COLLEGE TO ME AND I WILL RIP YOUR BALLS OFF.

-LJG

* * *

**May 1****st****, 2005**

_Dear Diary,_

Newsflash: Kate was in a wet t-shirt contest once. Still can't figure out how she won. Whatever. What a dumb slut.

-LJG

* * *

**May 15****th****, 2005**

_Dear Diary, _

Get this shit: someone sent a random-ass envelope to work today and DiNozzo opened it and BLEW THE CONTENTS ALL OVER THE PLACE. Like what the hell, you little shit, did you just FORGET about the anthrax drama?

Anyway we had to fucking get in the showers, and I find out that honey dust I got sent last year was from fucking DINOZZO. And here I was thinking like, that redhead we don't talk about from that city in France sent it.

Ugh, whatever, now I have to get drunk in my basement.

(oh DiNosy almost died but it's fine I told him not to, it's just plague, get over it, Europe seemed fine afterwards, right?)

-LJG

_ps. I'm not still thinking about that redhead, just so you know. I'm not._

* * *

**May 17****th****, 2005.**

_Dear Diary,_

Well. Kate's dead. _So_ pissed off.

-LJG

* * *

**May 17****th****, 2005**

_Dear Diary,_

Why do all the women I love die? What the fuck is that about. Totally re-naming this diary Kate in honor of Dead Kate.

Dead Kate WHO WAS KILLED BY THAT TERRORIST FUCKER ARI HASWARI.

Did I or did I not say he was bad news? God no one listens to me is this what it's like to be a woman?

-LJG

* * *

**May 17****th****, 2005**

_Dear Kate,_

are you fucking kidding me.  
/screams/

-LJG

* * *

**May 17****th****, 2005**

_Dear Kate,_

SHE'S BACK.

askdlhjgialksdgmaojsglamwle

-LJG

* * *

**May 17****th****, 2005**

_Dear Kate,_

By SHE I mean Satan. Not the evil Satan, like, the female one, who has red hair and nice heels and a nice ass. The Satan named Jenny Shepard who just fucking disappeared in Paris la-dee-da and she's all "I'm not sleeping with you again" and I'm like okay whatever bitch I never even noticed you were gone.

-LJG

* * *

**July 4****th****, 2005**

_Dear Kate,_

I lied I'm still in love with Jen.

Awkward.

-LJG

* * *

**August 10****th****, 2005**

_Dear Kate,_

Jenny replaced Kate. With some little Israeli TART with like forty different weapons hidden all over her and I have to teach the little brat how to be an agent. I mean Ziva is fine like she shot Haswari and all and that's cool but, um, yeah, don't put people on my team without asking me, that's so not okay.

-LJG

* * *

**August 31****st****, 2005**

_Dear Kate,_

I'm gonna call her Ziver, that's cute.

-LJG

* * *

**October 4****th****, 2005**

_Dear Kate, _

Jenny is unresponsive to my attempts to seduce her.

-LJG

* * *

**November 1****st****, 2005**

_Dear Kate,_

I swear to god if DiNosy makes fun of my hair one more time I am going to jump off a cliff.

-LJG

* * *

**November 30****th****, 2005**

_**Dear Kate,**_

OMG.

TONY AND ZIVA HAD TO GO UNDER COVER AS MARRIED ASSASSINS AND I THINK THEY LIKE, HAD ACTUAL REAL SEX AND JEN AND I /WATCHED/ IT.

-LJG

_ps. Jen saw Tony naked and I think she liked it. How about no._

* * *

**December 1****st****, 2005**

_Dear Kate,_

Haha, someone tried to frame DiNosy for murder.

-LJG

* * *

**December 8****th****, 2005**

_Dear Kate,_

Did someone break a goddamn mirror because McGee just shot a cop.

-LJG

* * *

**December 30****th****, 2005**

_Dear Kate,_

I AM SO DONE. JENNY CUT HER HAIR.

-LJG

* * *

**January 2****nd****, 2006**

_Dear Kate, _

I'm never forgiving her for this. I don't even care if she gave it to some kid with cancer. She's dead to me. Pixie cut? You don't look like a fairy Jen you look like a goddamn m_a_n. Seriously so done. Not even calling her by her special Leroy Jethro Gibbs nickname anymore.

She is officially Redhead Bitch #5 from now on.

-LJG

* * *

**April 4****th****, 2006**

_Dear Kate,_

Ugh, sorry it's been so long. People keep getting murdered or whatever.

-LJG

* * *

**May 2****nd****, 2006**

_Dear Kate,_

SOME DIPSHIT KIDNAPPED BITCH REDHEAD #5

-LJG.

* * *

**May 8****th****, 2006**

_Dear Kate,_

Bitch Redhead #5 got out safe. She totally let me drive her home but didn't let me come inside (hahahHAHAHA) I mean come inside the house as for the other thing she didn't let me touch her at all.

…..because of this, I may have slept with one of the ex-wives.

It wasn't Diane. I swear.

-LJG

* * *

**May 9****th****, 2006**

_Dear Kate,_

Fine it was Diane shut up she's a panther in the sack.

-LJG

* * *

**May 15****th****, 2006**

_Dear Kate,_

Woke up today thinking it was 1991. Guess what? Shannon and Kelly are still dead. I miss them.

-i think my name is Leroy

* * *

**May 18****th****, 2006**

_Dear Kate,_

I can't remember anything these days. I miss the girls. Ugh, this case at work is so confusing. Ziva came to the hospital and hit me and then she cried. Mike Franks is here too. Also I shaved my head with a razor? I'm losing it.

/pastes evanescence lyrics/

-LJG

* * *

**May 20****th****, 2006**

_Dear Kate,_

brb going to mexico.

-LJG

* * *

**June 8****th****, 2006**

_Dear Kate,_

All this beer and fishing and sun with Mike is making me talk about Jen way too much.

-LJG

* * *

**July 1****st****, 2006**

~~~**leROY jetHRO SHEpard**~~~

hearts-hearts-hearts

* * *

**August 4****th****, 2006**

_Dear Kate,_

Ziva called. She cried. She needs help. So I have to go back to DC. Mostly because Ziva reminds me of Kelly.

-LJG

* * *

**August 27****th****, 2006**

_Dear Kate,_

Jenny pretended she didn't remember Serbia I HATE HER.

/pastes several photos of Jenny he had kept from Serbia/

-LJG

* * *

**October 4****th****, 2006**

_Dear Kate,_

I met a girl. She's hot. Her name is Hollis. I know it's a totally bullshit name, but I mean, whatever. She's kind of the opposite of Jenny and Jenny is being weird right now. Like she's secretive and also DiNosy is acting weird.

Everyone is acting fucking weird.

-LJG

* * *

**January 9****th****, 2007**

_Dear Kate,_

Hollis & I are boyfriend and girlfriend now.

Jenny is j-e-a-l-o-u-s.

-LJG

* * *

**March 8****th****, 2007**

_Dear Kate,_

Okay, something weird is totally up with Jen and I'm worried. Also, DiNosy keeps calling her Jenny and like, no, what the fuck. I think they slept together. Jen is such a whORE SOMETIMES GOD.

we should totally just stab Jen.

-LJG

* * *

**April 2****nd****, 2007**

_Dear Kate,_

Literally can't even focus at work anymore because I'm too busy wondering if Ziva and Tony are going to get together. Like she's all worried about him and he's all watching her when she's not looking and oh my god this is worse than Ross and Rachel seriously

-LJG

* * *

**May 1****st****, 2007**

_Dear Kate,_

LOL I GOT TO BE DIRECTOR TODAY

And Jen totally called and said she recognized me because of my heavy breathing which is funny because she used to hear my heavy breathing a lot. You know, all those times we had sex that she likes to IDK PRETEND DIDN'T HAPPEN.

-LJG

* * *

**May 15****th****, 2007**

_Dear Kate,_

Um.

What the fuck.

-LJG

* * *

**June 8****th****, 2007**

_Dear Kate,_

Thought DiNozzo was dead, but it's all cool. Apparently he and Jen were working together on some poppycock undercover mission. IDK he thinks he's James Bond and she thinks she's God.

-LJG

* * *

**Oct 30****th****, 2007**

_Dear Kate,_

I almost GOT BLOWN UP BY RUSSIANS TODAY because we were on this ship of theirs trying to figure out why a Marine was dead and if you think THAT is exciting wELL get this: when we got back, Jen and I totally slept together.

So bottom line, I've gotta cut that blonde piece loose.

-LJG

* * *

**Nov 1****st****, 2007**

_Dear Kate,_

Seriously, universe?

Case involving one of the ex-wives today. So she and Jen and Hollis all ganged up on me.

Also, I told Hollis we broke up but she didn't believe me SO THERE'S THAT.

-LJG

* * *

**December 25****th****, 2007**

_Dear Kate,_

I miss Shannon and Kelly. I want them back. Pls.

-very sad agent Gibbs

* * *

**January 21****st****, 2008**

_Dear Kate,_

Tobias and I went to the zoo today. He bought me a teddy bear.

It's not gay though, because we were married to the same woman, so it's fine.

-LJG

* * *

**March 8****th****, 2008**

_Dear Kate,_

FUCK.

JEN BASICALLY ALMOST GOT ARRESTED TODAY AND ALSO TONY'S LITTLE FRENCH BROAD ACCUSED HIM OF MURDER.

(I didn't say anything but Jenny is the one who killed that dude)

Jenny came over before she went on her suspension and she was weird and like weepy and she cried and then she got really drunk and she demanded I give her back her heart which is sad but also kind of funny because it's like au contraire MADAME I don't have your heart you TOOK IT AWAY after you stomped on mine.

She's such a drama queen.

-LJG

* * *

**April 15****th****, 2008**

_Dear Kate,_

Paid my taxes today xoxo government.

-LJG

* * *

**April 27****th****, 2008**

_Dear Kate,_

Jenny seems oddly peaceful and calm lately. I think life is looking up for me, maybe. Also I think Tony & Ziva might get together, so that's good. I'm going to send them to California with Jen, and when she gets back, I'm gonna convince her it's a good idea to go to Paris over the summer.

-LJG

* * *

**May 2008**

FUCK MY LIFE.

-leroy jethro gibbs, forever alone.

* * *

_-Alexandra_  
_story #124_


End file.
